I Hate Paula

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

About Those Lindsay Lohan Nude Shots

If you’ve been searching for them and accidentally landed here, you can find the shots over here. Just click on the “slideshow” link underneath the photo.

As for me, she’s not my type. That is, she’s a psycho addict who is doing everything she can to ruin her own damned career. Stupid.

American Idol: The Girl is Suffering House Withdrawal Edition

All the young dudes think that they deserve to be America’s next pop singing sensation. Most of them are wrong--so wrong--and they will spend the next two hours proving my point.

Simon wants personality, originality, and good singing from this group of karaoke all stars. Which means he is probably deeply disappointed every time he comes to work on American Idol--feeling whatever shred of artistic dignity he ever had being stripped slowly from his body with every missed note, longing hobbit glance, and whiny, boy band singer that goes by.

Poor bastard.

Aside: I can’t quite get my head around the MacBook Air. I mean, there is an obvious techno-lust thing going on, especially for the SSD version. But without a DVD, without an ethernet port, and without a couple more ports, how useful would this thing be to me? I’m guessing that the answer is not necessarily much.

But the techno-lust still fills me with longing.

David Hernandez goes all gospely on us and doesn’t sound bad. If you’re looking for Future Lounge Singers of America, I mean. Certainly, the boy can sing and his voice could even be described as pleasant (with the exception of some seriously missed notes at the end), but he’s boring. Bland. Nice enough, though.

Randy liked him more than I did. Paula offered him verbal hugs. Simon was reasonably nice--and he was right. The beginning bit was the best, the kid needs to loosen up, and there wasn’t much distinct about it.

Chikezie isn’t really well-known enough yet to have just one name, is he? I’m having a hard time with that--and with the salmon-colored suit. Beyond that, his vocals started weak and only got a little better as the song went on. And what was up with that arrangement? Didn’t do him any favors at all and, for the second song running, the back-up singers sounded lazy as hell. This was a little disappointing; I thought he would sound better.

Randy was nicer than Chickezie deserves. Paula calls him a throwback to great R&B--which is a huge overstatement. Simon screws up the name and then dumps on the performance in typical Simon fashion (including seconding my opinion of the suit). Again, Simon was right. Chikezie does his best to be a good advocate for himself, though, which I approve of; if you can stand up for yourself without sounding combative (and I don’t think he did), you’ll win a few more votes.

Aside: How many of these performances will people really want to download from iTunes? I’m afraid that the answer might be: more than enough to buy Steve Jobs another personal jet.

Another Aside: McCain wins Wisconsin. Not exactly surprising, eh? I’m far more curious to see the results between Obama & Hillary--my guess is that Obama wins. But by how much?

Colton does look like Ellen. A lot. I mean, he’s a ringer. Wow.

David Cook is likable. I want him to do well. Really. But I wish he had picked a rockier song that might suit his voice and style a little more. He’s a marginal singer and his charm comes out when he kicks up the vocals to rock star level instead of pop star levels. Bad start, decent end.

Randy loves him with the power of man love. Paula blah blah blah. Simon offers the eminently reasonable, “You almost made it believable.”

Aside: Like I said: Obama won. Still don’t know by how much, though.

Another Aside: Does anyone want a free Xbox with games and some other stuff (like the remote control)? Since Girl got me the 360 for Christmas, the old box has been sitting unloved in a nifty little bag. So, if you’ve been yearning for an old Xbox--that also doubles as a surprisingly good DVD player--leave a comment. I’ll choose someone worthy at the end of the week. Okay, it’s been bestowed upon a Blogger Bash semi-regular. I feel good about that.

Jason Yeager has an adorable kid. He also tends to be a little campy in the vocal performance, if you ask me. “Moon River” so fit his looks and vocal style that it’s hard to argue the choice. Still, is that the way to stay in a contest where huge numbers of voters are in that tweenager zone where a “huckleberry friend” isn’t necessarily something that they’ll understand? And, anyway, the vocals were just okay, with some really distracting pitch problems here and there.

Nice guy and I want him to do well, but I can’t see myself voting for him. That said, I actually adore that song, but it’s hard to pull off well.

Randy was, again, nicer than the performance deserved, but offered good criticism. Paula pretty much seconded America’s First Dawg. Simon calls it “very cruise ship” and wonders what kids will be thinking, too. Again, he’s right.

I don’t like Robbie Carrico. Pretty much that simple. He looks the part of a rocker, but he sounds like he should be singing in a Christian band. All look, no edge. That said, he sounded good singing one of my favorite 60’s songs, “One is the Loneliest Number.” Not great, especially if you compare it directly to Three Dog Night, but pretty solid.

I still say that rock is a pose for this guy.

Randy liked it well enough. Paula loves the song choice and thinks he’s all authentic and stuff. Has someone been coaching her in the ways of sobriety? If so, this year could be sort of boring. Simon was very kind and liked it; although he’s questioning the image, too.

David Archuleta is my personal un-favorite. Go back to school, youngster. “Better Shop Around” sounds like something from a Disney production about the 60’s when he gets through neutering it. Of course, he’ll be safe for some time to come because, no matter how much he sucks, he’ll set 13 year old hearts aflutter.

And, anyway, he’s better than Sanjaya.

Randy called it a “mature” performance. Proving that he might be taking over the role of Paula for the evening. Paula won’t give up without a fight--"confident, older soul,” she says. Simon wants to get into the Who Wants to be America’s Next Paula? game, though, and calls it the best of the night.

They must have been passing the crack pipe around during the commercial break. Just sayin’.

And, for the record, Ryan: I’m not so sure that David likes that the ladies love him. He might be traveling an entirely different direction. Anyone who breaks out in spontaneous Irene Cara songs is automatically suspect.

Danny Noriega has an unfortunate name, doesn’t he? Just sayin’.

He has the same problem with me that Archuleta has: too young and a little too neutered in his performance for my taste. But he isn’t nearly as annoying to me, and he gets bonus points for doing “Jailhouse Rock.” It isn’t exactly convincing, but I enjoyed it in spite of myself.

Personality matters and Archuleta makes me want to hit someone in the face. Noriega brings out the paternal in me.

Randy calls it ”kinda hot” and Paula talks enough that I stopped paying attention. Something about colors. Like a rainbow bumper sticker, I imagine. Simon says it was verging on the “grotesque” (I imagine he means it in the “outlandish, bizarre” sense and not the “abnormal, hideous” sense, although I could be wrong).  Ouch. Simon and I seem to diverge on the youngsters, though.

Aside: I have a crush on “Sarah” from the Ford Edge commercial. Bonus points for obsessing about the architecture of the city.

I don’t know what I think about Luke Menard. Good looking guy, nice sense of style, and he can sing. He’s got a decent personality, too. But his voice does just about nothing for me.  “Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me” also deserves a straight, earthy performance; Menard’s take not only misses some notes, but also oversings it, too. If I’d never heard “Everybody’s Talkin’ at Me” or knew about its connection to Midnight Cowboy, maybe you’d have a different view; I can’t hear it outside of that, though.

Randy didn’t like it and really, really wants to keep it real. Powerful, man, powerful. Paula says it was bad, but she says it nicely. Simon says he was boring. I think that’s a bit true, too.

Colton is yet another annoying kid who admits to singing the Teletubbies theme song when he gets nervous. That’s not endearing; that’s just weird.

Singing Elvis is always a good choice for me. Sadly, I can’t hear him since the sound seems to have dropped--ah, there it is. “Suspicious Minds” sounds decent, but not great. Okay, I"m already forgetting it and it’s not over yet.

Okay, aside from looking like Ellen, he also looks a little like a young Dennis Leary. Strange.

Randy says it started rough, which I, you know, wouldn’t know. Paula says not too much, but strokes him like a little puppy dog. Simon hits him for sounding like a “young kid who might have a career in musical theater” instead of a contemporary recording artist. He calls it “very karaoke.” I think Colton will be crying backstage.

Aside: For a great song, listen to Fred Neil’s “Little Bit of Rain.” He’s the guy who wrote “Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me” and made a mint off the song. But “Little Bit of Rain” is just gorgeous--and it points out what I meant about not over singing his songs. A lot of the beauty is in the simplicity. Great song.

Garrett Hailey. Wow. I thought he was a girl. Decent voice on the kid, a little whiny but, generally, not unpleasant. Apparently, he’ll be bringing us the majority of the longing hobbit glances while he’s in the show this year. Aside from the hair, though, does anything stand out about this guy? Does anything shout “pop star” to anyone? He is the most mediocre of the mediocre--not bad in a Sanjaya way, but not actually good.

Randy wants him to be more interesting and watch his pitch problem, calling the kid boring. Paula offers useful criticism while, essentially, agreeing with Randy. Simon thirds the opinion but also takes shots at the hair and pallid skin. Poor kid. Garrett actually seems like a good kid, but I don’t think he’ll be in it for long.

Aside: How the hell did they end up with Noriega and Castro on the show this year? That’s just freaky. “Danny” isn’t “Manuel”, but I figure it’s just sort of a step between that and Danny Ortega in a history of Latin American creepy strongmen.

Jason Castro has progressive hair. Doobie smokin’, no meat eatin’, Kucinich votin’, Republican hatin’, thick ropes of progressive hair. And he looks constantly stoned. I like that he’s playing a guitar and going it alone, though. Nicely done and true to the spirit of the song--he looks it, he sounds it, he feels it. It isn’t exactly my personal taste, but it was the most real performance of the night and I enjoyed it. At least until the end where he sort of got, vocally, off track.

Randy isn’t thrilled, but doesn’t have much to complain about. Paula is “blown away"--and then keeps talking. Which is a shame for all of us. Simon says it was “in the top two performances of the night"--loves the song choice and the performance. Indeed.

Michael Johns is the new love of Girl’s life. Luckily, she’s wandered off and won’t see his performance tonight. No need for jealousy, then…

Doing a Doors song is such a good choice. Fits his voice, fits his looks, fits his style--and, honestly, it should be a better choice than “Bohemian Rhapsody”, which I still say showed up his vocal shortcomings. Unfortunately, he pushed a bit too much, missed some notes, and wasn’t as solid as he was on the Queen song. It isn’t his best vocal performance, but it’s real enough and his overall performance is good enough, that he’ll definitely be staying. Girls will vote for him, scream for him, and in a strange twist on the Sanjaya legend, cry in cringe-inducing and dignity-destroying ways.

I wonder if he’ll be the winner?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Kids Will Be Kids: The Special Rock Edition

How perfect is it that Kid Rock--possibly the most famous example of white trash in our era--was arrested for brawling outside of a Waffle House near Atlanta at 5 a.m.? And, if I read the story correctly, over the honor of a woman. Or something like that.

“He and five members of his entourage were involved in a fight with a male customer inside the Waffle House,” said Mekka Parish, a spokeswoman for the DeKalb County Police Department.

The customer recognized a female with Kid Rock’s party and exchanged words with her, Parish said.

“It escalated to a physical altercation between Kid Rock and that male customer and moved outside to the parking lot,” she said. At some point the customer punched out a restaurant window, she said.

I could never really get into Kid Rock’s music, but I’ve always had a strange respect for the guy. He’s stayed true to his roots in pretty much everything he’s ever done. He is, very nearly, the white trash ideal--and I don’t mean that in a bad way. None of it would have been my dream (with the notable exception of the heavy cash flow), but he’s lived out his dreams of cars, money, fame, cash, and booze. Hell, even the inflatable-boobed Playmate made an appearance or two.

What a guy.

Read the story.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Britney Spears Hit & Run

Britney Spears appears to be doing what she can to follow the Lindsay Lohan Path to Unravelling Stardom.

Singer Britney Spears has been charged with hit-and-run and driving without a valid licence.
She is accused of hitting a parked car and driving away from a Los Angeles car park on 6 August, a spokesman for the city’s attorney’s office said.

The 25-year-old could face six months in jail and a $1,000 (£495) fine if convicted of the misdemeanour charges.

Now, if only she could work in a good Gibsonian racist rant and a drug conviction, she’ll be able to really watch her career fall apart (and the kids get taken away). I would offer up sympathy, but it wouldn’t exactly be heartfelt.

Read the rest.

Dave Shiflett Skewers Kid Nation

I found the idea of Kid Nation irritating and the big buzz by the media even worse. To my mind, Kid Nation is just a proof of the dearth of good ideas in the TV entertainment industry. While I couldn’t completely ignore the show--I read the Internet, talk to others, and watch TV occasionally; some things just won’t go away--but I happily refused to watch it. If Dave Shiflett’s review is accurate, it was good miss.

The run-up to the highly hyped debut of ``Kid Nation’’ included denying previews to critics, leading to speculation that CBS feared preemptive panning.

If so, the fear was well-founded. A pan won’t do for this turkey. This is gong material.

The new ``reality’’ series features 40 kids ages 8-15 who are supposed to remake an old New Mexico town—named Bonanza—that reportedly failed under adult rule.

Viewers are apparently to be impressed by the tykes’ resilience, sense of community and pioneer spirit, all blossoming free of adult supervision.

Yet one quickly senses that this is a big puppet show, with the strings being pulled by guidance counselors, social workers, homeroom teachers and other destroyers of youthful exuberance.

“Destroyers of youthful exuberance.” Beautiful.

Read the hilarious rest.

Monday, September 17, 2007

He Writes the Songs that Make the Whole World Cringe

Elisabeth Hasselbeck may be many things--in fact, to people of particularly weak constitution, I imagine her simplistic political views might even be offensive. One thing she isn’t, though, is “dangerous.”

But the man who gave us “I Can’t Smile Without You” and the “Bathroom Bowl Blues” (look it up) finds Hasselbeck so scary that he won’t even get on stage her.

TMZ has learned that legendary singer Barry Manilow has pulled out of his scheduled appearance on “The View” tomorrow—because he strongly disagrees with host Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s conservative view! Paging Rosie O’Donnell!

In an exclusive statement to TMZ, Barry says, “I strongly disagree with her views. I think she’s dangerous and offensive. I will not be on the same stage as her.” Barry, taking a stand!

Now there’s a man who really knows how to make a stand. Hell of a brave stand to withhold “Bandstand Boogie” from the adoring throngs instead of facing the truly terrible intimidation of one of the hosts of The View. The one who is constantly outnumbered and doesn’t really manage to convey any depth or strong thought in her defense of her beliefs.

Big man, that Barry Manilow.

Read the rest.

Others:
Steve Green makes a threat. Barry is running scared now.
The Big Dog has his say.
Right Wing Bob, too.

By contrast, a man evincing actual bravery in the face of an actual threat.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Nude Pictures of Vanessa Hudgens?

I haven’t seen any of that High School Musical stuff, and don’t care if I ever do. But I would be willing to see pictures of Vanessa Hudgens, one of the show’s stars, naked. Because that would be pretty cool.

Vanessa Hudgens’ representative has confirmed that a nude photo circulating on the Internet is indeed the 18-year-old star of Disney Channel’s wildly popular “High School Musical” movies.

“This was a photo which was taken privately,” said Jill Fritzo, Hudgens’ publicist, on Friday. “It is a personal matter and it is unfortunate that this has become public.”

The photo shows the 18-year-old actress standing naked in what appears to be a bedroom, with a red curtain behind her.

Two lessons for young women out there:

First, don’t trust men when they say, “No, baby, these pictures are just for me. Nobody else will ever see them.”

Second, if you’re stupid enough to trust men, your naked pictures will probably end up on the Internet.

Which is awfully nice for the rest of us, but maybe not so nice for you.

NSFW Picture over here. Just because I don’t like to be a tease.

(Cross Posted at RSong.com.)

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A Little Schadenfreude Never Hurt Anyone

Yes, it’s wrong.

Yes, I feel some measure of guilt.

And yet, I can’t hide the happiness I feel at Leonardo DiCaprio’s complete and utter failure.

His environmental documentary, “The 11th Hour,” has been a total bust at the box office. After 18 days in release, the film has grossed only $417,913 from ticket sales. The 90-minute snore-fest is playing on 111 screens this week, but that number is likely to be reduced this Friday. The film will be sent to DVD heaven after that.

By comparison, Al Gore and Davis Guggenheim’s similar but far more engaging “An Inconvenient Truth” had already made $3.5 million by its 18th day of release.

I hesitated to say before “11th Hour” actually opened how mind-numbingly dull it was for fear that I would ruin it for those interested in the subject of global warming. But at Cannes, when the film by Nadia Conners and Leila Conners Petersen was shown to journalists, nearly the entire room fell asleep.

A Russian filmmaker told us afterward that she was the only person in the room who was awake at one point.

I don’t hate DiCaprio. At least, not completely. I just happen to hate the preachy tone adopted by stars, starlets, politicians, rock stars, and the like. I don’t like being lectured by anyone, much less someone whose main accomplishment in life is to look pretty and to be paid millions for a few hours of make believe.

Aside from that, DiCaprio is annoying because he’s both brilliant (Basketball Diaries, Catch Me if You Can) and lazy (Titanic, The Man in the Iron Mask)--and the lazy bits are almost as insufferable as the preaching.

So, cheers to his failure and the joy that it brings me.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Owen Wilson Needs a Little Help

I can’t imagine wanting to take the easy shots at Owen Wilson right now, which makes me feel a little hypocritical. I mean, look at the happy fun mean things I say about Lindsay Lohan and Pete Doherty.

But I like Owen Wilson. Not that I know the man, nor am I likely to, but he’s always seemed smart, funny as hell, and downright nice. I don’t want to see bad things happening to him and I can’t joke about what sounds like someone who truly needs a hand. Whatever is happening in his world--suicide attempts, heroin, and cocaine (which I thought was loads of fun, back in the day) I hope that he finds his way through it safely. There aren’t too many comedians of his brilliance running around the world--and damned if we don’t need a laugh or two.

Godspeed, Mr. Wilson. Your fans are pulling for you.

Read more.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

One Day in Jail. That’ll Show Her.

I’m sure that Lindsay Lohan will really learn her lesson after a day in jail.

Actress Lindsay Lohan must spend one day in jail after pleading guilty to drink driving and drug charges as part of a plea bargain.
She was put on three years’ probation, and must do community service and complete a drug treatment programme.

Lohan’s seven charges included driving while over the alcohol limit and being under the influence of cocaine.

The actress crashed her car in Los Angeles in May and was arrested again in July after being stopped by police.

She avoided more serious charges because she was only in possession of a small quantity of drugs both times she was arrested.

With her record, with the incredible profusion of recent idiocy, and with the fact that public morale would be hugely bolstered by her lengthy incarceration, you would have thought that the judge would have hooked us up with Lohan facing a long, long jail sentence in the bad kind of Office Space prison.

If you know what I mean.

Lohan papa Michael fears that his daughter will be harmed by her day serving extra-hard time.

He says, “She is a little girl who has been used by everybody around her because of her celebrity and that’s what’s landed her where she is. Now, she needs a helping hand, not a sentence.

“I’m against it. Jail would probably harm Lindsay more than help her.”

Lohan must now serve a 24-hour jail term, after the judge cut a mandatory four-day jail sentence in half and ordered her to carry out 10 days of community service.

Sure. It’s hard to imagine what might be gained by holding a stubborn, spoiled starlet like Lohan responsible for her own idiotic behavior and serially bad bad decisions. Why would we want to encourage the little princess to imagine that her actions might have real world consequences? Foolishness, I tell you.

Well, we do still have the near-inevitable Lindsay Lohan desperate-for-attention, career-on-the-rocks Playboy spread to look forward to.  Frankly, while that wouldn’t do a damned thing to salvage her dignity or her sagging fortunes, I always applaud starlet nudity. I’m shallow that way.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

God Bless Woz and His Super Prius

Apple fanatics will smile to hear that Woz (Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple, technology whiz, and all around goofball) was nabbed for speeding in his Prius. Which was my first indication that the Prius was capable of supra-legal speeds. Make that super-supra-legal speeds.

The Prius, Wozniak said, handled great at 104. And that wasn’t the first time he reached the speed that sends shudders down my I-like-60-mph spine. The first time came one Thanksgiving when he decided to drive down to a Bob’s Big Boy in Burbank.

“Highway 5 was empty that night and I made good time and was surprised to discover that the Prius was very stable, even with major gusting winds,” Wozniak said. “Being used to a Hummer I expected the opposite.”

Yep, he owns Hummers and hybrids. No, green-only, Birkenstock-loving guy.

Now Mr. Roadshow, of course, cannot condone speeding, especially after leading “Drive the Speed Limit Day” a few weeks ago. But Wozniak says he is sorry and that he has reformed his driving habits.

I always suspected that Woz had an inner bad boy; I just never expected he could indulge it in a Prius.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Pete Doherty: Still an Addict

Pete Doherty, of Babyshambles and the Libertines fame has to be the most fun addict in the world. Between his tempestuous, and tabloid feeding, relationship with fellow addict Kate Moss and his own relationship to crack, heroin, pot, and the occasional pill, Pete’s been a one man circus of “Don’t Try This at Home” fun. God bless him, he’s in trouble again.

Pete Doherty was arrested early on Monday on suspicion of drugs possession, a police source said. Doherty, 28, was arrested with two others, a man and a woman, after being stopped in a car in Tower Hamlets in east London.

To be fair, Babyshambles is actually a damned fine listen. It just isn’t near the fun of watching the Pete Doherty self-destructo show.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Naked Antonella?

Well, it sure looks like her.

Update: And it looks like we’ll be seeing more of her soon. Apparently there are some big bucks being offered to her.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

American Idol: Don’t Come Around Here No More Edition

Group singing moments are always hideous, even when I like the songs like I did tonight. It’s like watching a marginal high school choral performance with some competing high points and no sense of flow. This one was better than others, but that’s hardly saying that I liked the thing.

If there is any justice, Paul and Sundance will be going home.

Brandon: safe. Sundance: safe. Chris Richardson: safe. Nick: safe. Blake: safe. Paul: gone. Poor, shoeless bastard.

That’s 50% right, but it leaves someone going home later who should still be on the show. Sundance was bad--and has been consistently bad every week except his audition--and should be gone.

Commercial Aside: The Gain new sent commercial was cute. Like a little bunny. Big smiles.

On the other side of the gender fence, Antonella and either Amy or Nicole (darnit) should be going home.

Jordin: safe. Stephanie: safe. Sabrina: safe. Leslie: safe. Antonella: safe. America loves boobies. Amy: gone.

Which, again, leaves Idol about 50% right (or maybe a little less this time since Antonella was so massively deserving of the boot).

Irritated Aside: Did Ryan Seacrest just cut off Quincy Jones? Man, that’s bad form: Quincy Jones is far more deserving of respect than that twerp. Simon should slap that little bastard. Bastard is the word of the day, in case you were wondering, you nosy bastard.

Happy Aside: Fantasia still has a wonderful voice (even if she sang a song that bored me to tears). It was nice to hear her singing again.

Haley: safe. Lakisha: safe. Gina: safe. Nicole: going home. Alaina: safe.

Which is probably right, but is still a shame. Nicole handled the rejection with grace and good humor. I would still say that Antonella should have been going home.

Back to the boys.

Chris Sligh: safe. Phew. Phil: safe. Jared: safe. AJ: safe. Rudy: gone. Sanjaya: safe.

It could easily have been Sanjaya, but I can’t say I’m disappointed--I don’t think Rudy was particularly good, regardless of the Colorado connection.

All in all, the crime is that a couple of the very worst are off the show; the good part is that none of the truly deserving contestants is gone yet.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

American Idol: Okay, Let’s Start Killing Some Dreams Edition

When Simon was asked about the awards won and albums sold by Idol, he seemed proud of AI’s track record. I kind of felt like all those awards and record sales indicate a music industry that is damned near out of new ideas. This isn’t a good thing.

Just call it a difference of opinion.

Rudy Cardenas renders a lovely karaoke performance of “Free Ride.” Okay, that might be a little harsh, but it really was (as Randy said) cheesy.

I hate Paula’s hair.

Commercial Aside: I love those new Dominos commercials with the big-eyed, big-mouthed, big-eared mutants. Mutants are cool.

Things I like about Brandon Rogers: he is experienced, he is talented, he has a good look, and, at 29, he’s all grown up. Let me emphasize that last bit: he actually acts like a grown-up, and it is greatly appreciated.

Still, for as good as his voice is, his performance was off. It simply wasn’t as good as I expected. He needs to take Randy’s advice—simplify the style—and come out with more confidence. He has all the potential in the world, but he needs to perform better in the coming weeks if he expects to stay on the show.

Paula’s hair isn’t getting any better.

Sundance should feel lucky to be on the show, but not in a good way. His first audition was great, but everything that he has done since has been horrible, including his performance tonight. He chose to go safe with “Nights in White Satin”—but safe didn’t turn out well.

Pitchy, uncomfortable, and unimpressive. The g-phrase gets it right: what did he do with the guy from that first audition. Just say no to Sundance.

Luckily for Sundance, though, Paul Kim was even worse. There was no good to find in his minute and a half.

If a good voice were the main requirement for the show, I’m not sure that Chris Richardson’s nasal voice would have had him shipped home long ago. At least he gets the crowd involved, though—his performance was better than most even if his voice wasn’t.

Seriously, what’s with Paula’s hair?

Nick Pedro has an entirely different problem. His voice could really stand out, but he is a bland performer doing an overly safe job on a terribly boring song. It wasn’t good.

But he does get the “Vote for Pedro” crowd, which almost seems unfair.

How can Blake Lewis ride the beatbox thing, I asked myself when it was his turn to sing. The answer was better than I expected. He is smart enough to know that he can’t ride it all the way through—it sets him apart, but not in an entirely good way. Tonight, without even a touch of beatbox, he gives a really good performance.

I didn’t think he had the charisma, I wasn’t sure he had the voice, but damned if he didn’t do best of all the guys tonight. He was the first one to sound as if he actually belonged on the show.

Girl Scout Cookie Aside: Tagalongs are my own personal kryptonite. In case you were wondering.

Could Sanjaya Malakar be a more likeable guy? Seriously, he’s a sweet kid with a decent voice and he looks like a teen idol in the making. He started out a little rough, but he pulled himself together and gave a decent performance—I’m going to have to disagree with all of the judges on this one and say that the kid sounded pretty good.

Full disclosure, though: I’ve never heard the Stevie Wonder original, so I’m not comparing the performance to any specific knowledge of the song.

Poor Sanjaya took it on the chin tonight.

My emotional favorite is definitely Chris Sligh. He’s funny and he’s born to be a performer—luckily, he can actually sing a bit, too, and he knows how to get the audience excited. I give the guy a thumbs up, although I wonder if he can sell albums to teenage girls, and believe that Simon is really talking about the commercial limitations when he’s complaining about Chris’ voice.

Jared could sell songs to teenage girls—but they aren’t very well known for their discerning taste. He won me over when he sang “Cupid” in an earlier performance, but his shot tonight was hideous and messy.

AJ. Yeah. Whatever.

Unhappy Sudden Realization Aside: What the hell do you mean House isn’t on tonight? Stupid bastards.

At moments like this, I really hate American Idol. 

For an active duty navy guy, Phil Stacey does a good impression of a singer. He has a powerful voice—although you wouldn’t have known it from the early portion of his performance tonight—and he has a more masculine presence than most of the other contestants. At first, he sounded like he was being submerged under the music, but once he found his footing, he was brilliant—definitely one of the best of the night.

It wasn’t a memorable night, but there are a few of these guys who have real potential.